Is this grief reaction normal?
Everyone grieves differently
Grief is a human condition and the grief literature shows us that while there are elements of grief that are more common than others, grief is different for everyone and endures in different ways. There is no “right way” or “wrong way” to grieve.
“Normal” grief behaviours
The study of grief has shown that there are a wide range of responses to grief. Worden (2018) is a leading researcher in the field who has grouped the most common responses into feelings, thoughts and behaviours.
FEELINGS
Sadness and crying
Anger including being angry about how they died, and anger that they have left you
Blame, either blaming the deceased for dying or blaming oneself for not preventing it
Guilt, and shame, perhaps over not being kind enough, or not doing enough for the deceased
Anxiety for not being able to cope without the deceased, or anxiety over one’s own mortality
Loneliness, both emotional and social loneliness
Fatigue such as not wanting to get out of bed in the morning
Helplessness, a sense of not being in control
Shock often experienced in sudden death
Yearning or pining for the deceased
Emancipation - sometimes a feeling of being free comes with grief
Relief especially if pain and suffering were involved
Numbness, a response to feeling overwhelmed
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS
Hollowness
Tightness in the chest
Tightness in the throat
Oversensitivity to noise
Nothing feels real (depersonalisation)
Breathlessness
Weakness in the muscles
Lack of energy
Dry mouth
These physical sensations are usually short-lived, however if you are at all concerned with your health, it’s important to see a doctor to ensure there are no underlying health conditions.
COGNITIONS/THOUGHTS
Disbelief, a little like denial, disbelief is a feeling that it’s not happening
Confusion and having difficulty concentrating
Preoccupation or having obsessive thoughts about the deceased
Sense of presence, a feeling that the deceased is still around
Seeing or hearing the deceased is a common phenomenon
BEHAVIOURS
Sleep disturbances are common and usually correct themselves
Eating disturbances, usually undereating, although over-eating has also been reported
Distraction and absentmindedness
Social withdrawal
Dreams of the deceased are common, and there may also be nightmares
Avoiding reminders of the deceased
Searching and calling out
Sighing
Restless hyperactivity, or not being able to be still
Crying
Visiting places or carrying reminders of the deceased
Treasuring things belonging to the deceased
All of the above feelings, thoughts and behaviours have been observed in people who are grieving and can be described as “normal”. In most cases, these reactions will slowly start to abate as you processes the loss. However, some of these symptoms can encroach on health and wellbeing, and you may need to seek external help and support to get through. For on-going physical symptoms, it’s important to see a doctor. For feelings and behaviours which are not subsiding, it’s important to reach out to a counsellor for assistance.
What if you’re experiencing something that is not on the list?
If you are experiencing other responses that are not listed here, it does not mean that they are not “normal”. Grief appears in many different guises and your responses are going to be unique to you. Every person has unique life experiences, and you will experience grief according to your own, individual circumstances. Whatever has changed in how you’re feeling and behaving, is more than likely happening because of your grief. If you are overly concerned about how you’re responding, reach out to a grief counsellor or psychotherapist who will be able to help you unpack your response.
What can you do if you have to keep going?
Unfortunately, modern society brings demands that are not necessarily natural for a healthy mourning process. Some people may need to put their feelings aside to function - for example to look after children or to go to work to pay the bills. However, repressing grief in the short-term can lead to complicated grief further down the track. Complicated grief is an intensification of these feelings to the point of being overwhelmed, which can also lead to unhealthy behaviours like drinking too much. That’s why it’s important to grieve, even if you have obligations at work or at home.
In-keeping with modern living, one of the most useful ways of helping you to function while you are grieving is to set aside some time and space to honour and release your grief.
Schedule your grief.
Set aside some time, or literally schedule time in your calendar for grief. It could be, for example, that when you get home from work. Let your family know in advance that you are going to take time for yourself to grieve. Perhaps organise a baby-sitter, or ask a friend to look after things while you’re grieving. They will be happy to help, especially if it’s only for a short time. You can set an alarm for the time, and let yourself experience your feelings until the alarm goes off. Perhaps start with a couple of hours, and then gradually reduce the time you need, whatever works for you.
A nice idea may be to light a candle beside your loved-one’s picture, or go to a special place in the garden, or use a memory box, or simply lie on your bed and let your grief just be there. Let your emotions wash through you and notice when they start to abate. When the alarm goes off, acknowledge that you have to leave it there for today and get back to your life. Honouring your loved one and your grief, even for a short time, will help you to keep going, even though it’s such a difficult situation. Grief is a very painful, but normal life experience, so above all else, please be kind to yourself.
References
Worden, J. W. Worden. (2018). Grief counselling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company. https://www.springerpub.com/grief-counseling-and-grief-therapy-9780826134745.html